2004-03-03 - 2:23 p.m.
100 Things
1. I am 38.
2. I have black hair (with more silver every day) and green eyes.
3. I am a mutt- German, French, English and Irish.
4. I am married to my high school sweetheart, Kevin.
5. We broke up after high school, but stayed in touch by phone, and got back together 10 years later.
6. He's my soulmate
7. He can make me madder (and happier) than anyone else I have ever known. I think by definition, the person you love most is the person who can drive you the craziest.
8. We have a son, born in April 2003, who is named for both his grandfathers. Sadly, he will never know grandpa Mike. Only grandpa Bob (my Dad) is still around, for which I am very thankful.
9. My mom is my best friend, apart from Kevin. She looks more like my sister, acts like it too.
10. I get along well with my mother-in-law.
11. I am an animal lover. We have two dogs and two cats. My favorite wild animal is the wolf.
12. I am naturally left handed, but was switched to right. Yuck. I can do most things with either hand, but am a klutz with a spoon left handed. Go figure...
13. I don't have any tattooes, because I am an absolute chicken about needles of any stripe. Especially if they are pointed at me or my little boy... Having a diabetic dog that I have to give twice daily insulin injections hasn't made things any better... I do sometimes draw on myself with ink...
14. I grew up in NYC. My parents lived in the same apartment from a month after I was born until six years after I married and moved away (25 years in Apt. C9 for me, 31 years for mom & dad!) By the time I moved out, there were seven locks on their front door... the neighborhood was really dangerous, but my Dad was stubborn about having to leave, since he "was here first"...
15. I met my husband because he picked on the halloween costume I wore to school in 10th grade. I was Darth Vader. I got so much attention over that stupid costume that I would sometimes wear it on regular school days, just for the fun of it. (I was shy and geeky, could you guess?) I got chased out of the girl's locker room and pelted with sneakers while posing as Darth.
16. My medieval character "married" Kev's medieval character in a ceremony in Stuyvesant Park, behind the High School. We had twinkies and grape nehi soda at the "reception". Ten years later, we got married for real.
17. I wore sneakers with shamrock laces under my wedding dress (got married on St. Patrick's Day) much to my mother's dismay.
18. My parents wanted me to be a doctor. I hated organic chemistry, so I went to law school instead.
19. Practicing law for ten years taught me there's a reason most people hate lawyers.
20. My secret ambition is to be a published author. I write poetry and mysteries, but I am bad about finishing things. Been thinking kids books are short enough that maybe I could actually complete one before my attention wanders or I get bored...
21. I always said I would never bother to dye my hair (little miss all natural), but I have a skunk streak of silver glaring through the black, so I am actually considering it. At 38, I do not want to be mistaken for my son's grandmother! I am surprised I have become this vain.
22. I used to be an attorney in NYC. I made alot of money and incurred even more debt.
23. I almost got killed one day at work. It was an Accident. Or so they say. They knew about the danger, didn't fix it, and I got hurt. It was inevitable that somebody would.
24. I hate elevators.
25. I have chronic pain from the Accident, which messed up my spine.
26. I have PTSD from the Accident. Being in pain reminds me of the Accident. So does my former profession. So do a bunch of other things, all of which lead to flashbacks and panic attacks. I spend alot of time trying NOT to think about those things, trying not to go back there.
27. Alot of the time, I hate myself for being crazy and in pain and useless and just generally less than I was. I can't work anymore.
28. I know my husband loves me, but sometimes I am surprised that he puts up with me and my problems.
29. I feel like an old woman.
30. I rarely sleep.
31. I don't really want to sleep, because when I do, I dream, which is rarely a good thing.
32. I gained a huge amount of weight after the Accident. The person in the mirror still does not look like ME, eleven years later.
33. I only gained 5 pounds having my son. I puked the entire nine months.
34. Because I am breastfeeding my son, I can't take pain medication, or muscle relaxants, or anti-inflammatories, or anti-
anxiety meds, so I feel pretty lousy.
35. But I am also completely and totally in love with my son. I would do anything for him. I just hope I don't screw him up too badly.
36. Being his mom is the best thing I have ever done.
37. The work-related thing I am proudest of isn't really work related, it was reporting to the law firm management that my secretary was being sexually harassed, and making it stop.
38. I think the highest human virtue is compassion.
39. Nevertheless, I pretty much hate lawyers. (There are exceptions.)
40. I have not forgiven the people who caused my accident, and their lawyers, who continue to abuse me today by making fun of me and denying or minimizing my pain. Sometimes I feel guilty for hating them. Often I wish that they could take my place in the Accident. That would shut their snide mouths.
41. I live in suburbia now.
42. I have a driver's license, but I don't drive.
43. I never liked driving, but after the Accident, I can't get my head all the way right to see to change lanes. I am also petrified of flashing while driving. So I don't.
44. I am horribly claustrophobic and afraid of falling. Because the Accident involved falling and being trapped after.
45. I wish I was still the me I used to be Before the Accident.
46. I am trying to make the most of what I have left. Which is still alot, really, because I can still walk and talk and read and write and think and feel and love my husband, my son, my dogs and my parents. On good pain days, I remember to be grateful I am still here.
47. Art is a form of therapy for me. It blocks out the pain and the memories, and lets me focus on the Now.
48. I paint, draw, sculpt, make photographs, and write, when I can muster the energy and enthusiasm.
49. When I need most to paint or write, I tend not to, and instead crawl up in a self pitying ball on the couch.
50. I want to stop doing that. So far, years of therapy later, I still do it. Zoning out is often as close as I can get to feeling at peace. But they are not the same.
51. After the accident, I have spent alot of years feeling angry at God, the universe and everything, and cutting myself off from my spirituality. It has probably made things worse.
52. My german shepherd once worked as an owner trained service dog, to help me with my disabilities, and help me leave the house. It worked well till I got pregnant. Then I couldn't stand to be near her, because her odor (which no one else could smell) made me vomit. I pretty much un-trained her during the pregnancy. Then she developed a back problem, which means she can no longer function as a working dog. Because the timing coincides with my son's arrival, I worry that she blames the baby for her much changed existance.
53. I am very worried that she will be jealous of the baby and hurt him. We take precautions, but still I worry.
54. I have trouble concentrating, and my short term memory is poor. This is one of the reasons I worry.
55. I write corny country music lyrics.
56. My musical tastes are pretty broad. I will listen to just about everything, but I am not fond of disco, really harsh metal, or gangsta rap. Favorites- pretty much classic rock, celtic and country.
57. I am addicted to books. Not just reading, but possessing, books. We have probably 30,000 or so, in at least 25 bookcases and scattered all over the house in boxes, bags and piled on furniture. There is even a bookcase in the bathroom. Kevin says: "It's a sickness." I say, there are a whole host of worse things to be addicted to...
58. I used to have 16 credit cards. Now I have none. And in many ways, that is a GOOD thing!
59. I have been a vegetarian since I was seven, originally because I didn't want to eat "anything that coulda been my friend", now more out of habit and visceral disgust at the smell of meat.
60. I am amazingly flexible for a fat person with chronic pain. I can stick my toes in my mouth. Why do I know this? The baby does it, and I wanted to see if I still could...
61. When I was 11, I wanted to be a vampire, so I could live long enough to read every book ever written.
62. In aide of that ridiculous goal, I tried to file my teeth to make them more vampiric looking. Something my parents would kill me for if they knew...
63. I wear glasses for distance, and forget to take them off to read, so now I wind up closing one eye to read.
64. My favorite colors are purple and green and rich sapphire blue. And black.
65. If I won the lottery, I would buy a large piece of land in an area of great natural beauty, and start an artists colony on it, where people could come stay and paint, write, sculpt, etc. for nothing or next to nothing.
66. My husband collects military artifacts. He would like to replace my dining room chairs with ejection seats from military jets... not something I am likely to agree to.
67. I have a pretty black thumb. Houseplants do not thrive under my stewardship, since I never remember to water the poor things. But I do have a nice outdoor garden, and grow vegetables every summer. Anything God waters is OK by me...
68. I have inheritted my mother's utter dearth of talent for baking, yet I dream of being able to bake bread.
69. When my mother-in-law or parents make references to the famous packrat Collyer Brothers, I am likely to say "nice to know we still have something to shoot for", rather than feel inspired to tackle the clutter.
70. I was raised Lutheran. I miss the simple, uncomplicated faith of my childhood years.
71. I guess I consider myself an extremely ecclectic Christian, with nature worship leanings...
72. I abhor the penchant of organized religions to proclaim that they have a lock on the one and only truth. I figure God is smarter than any of us humans, and if he/she felt it would be more effective to appear to one culture in this guise, and another in that, it ain't for me to know or question. I think there is one creator spirit, and that all religions in some way manifest that, and are entitled to respect. I believe the soul is eternal.
73. Needless to say, I don't talk much about religion with my more conservative Christian relatives.
74. For me, making art is a form of worshiping the creator spirit.
75. When I was a kid, I wanted to be: an artist, a fireman, a veterinarian, an astronaut, a pirate, a doctor, a ship's captain, a fighter pilot, an archaeologist, an explorer, a marine biologist, a zoologist, a forest ranger, a wildlife photographer, and probably a dozen other things.
76. I can't dance. Never learned, and was never unselfconscious enough to try.
77. I sing very well. I constantly sing to my son- both real songs and ones I make up.
78. My childhood best friend and I wrote all the school plays. She was always the lead, and I was always her understudy. Which was a relief, because I have always had horrible stage fright.
79. Arguing in Court was one of the hardest things I ever did, because of the stage fright. But I used to see myself as a champion for people who could not speak for themselves, and focusing on them, rather than my own discomfort, saw me through. The first few sentences were tricky, but then I'd get rolling, and it was like flying. Now, with the PTSD and the panic attacks, I can't get over myself enough to be able to perform that way.
80. A part of me really misses it. And misses feeling useful.
81. I have a sappy love affair with school supplies, and always buy myself some in the fall, even though I am supposedly a grownup. I also am ridiculously addicted to art supplies.
82. I cannot sew, but want to learn quilting. I also want to learn to knit.
83. I am not very good at drawing people. They tend to come out looking very cartoonish. I would love to take a drawing from life class, but am embarassed by my lack of portraiture skills...
84. My garage was set up as my art studio, but has now become the repository of all junk that needed to get moved out for the baby, so that it is completely crammed with stuff and unusable at the moment, and has been for nearly a year and a half now.
85. When I am really upset, or when I talk to my mother, my Brooklyn accent comes out.
86. I grew up on King Arthur stories, and always wanted to be heroic like the Knights of the Round Table.
87. I have a varsity letter for archery.
88. I like to shoot at paper targets with arrows and bullets... but because of my injuries, I haven't done either in years.
89. Although I dress like a lumberjack, I own more shoes than Imelda Marcos. (Mostly sandals, sneakers and hiking boots, LOL.)
90. I have a terrible weakness for chocolate, but only in small doses. Unfortunately, I can eat heaps of pie...
91. I cannnot throw out a book, magazine or newspaper unless I have read it.
92. I carry a to-be-opened-in-the-event-of-my-death letter.
93. I really need to force myself to drive again, but I am terrified.
94. If I was fabulously wealthy, I would spend a year traveling through Europe and painting.
95. My house is a wreck and needs major baby proofing. At the moment, my son spends all day in the living room, which is a gigantic playpen of sorts.
96. I am a bit of a klutz.
97. I wish we were wealthy so my husband could be home all the time. I miss him when he goes to work. But then, by the end of a long weekend, we grate on each other's nerves, so I guess it's a good thing we don't have that kind of money.
98. And here's a total contradiction: I don't care about money. All I want is enough to know the bills are paid, and we have an emergency fund, and can afford the occasional splurge on a vacation, but I don't care about mansions, limos and diamonds. Not my thing.
99. My favorite smell in the world is hay, sunshine and horse manure.
100. I am and always will be a dreamer.
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Work in Progress: latch hook Eeyore rug
Reading: The Mother Dance
Dreaming: elevators
Copyright 2003, 2004, 2005. Please do not use my original text or graphics without permission.